Strong
by SVU-intelligence-CM-ouat
Summary: After 1x02, Gabriel isn't so nice about his wife, and takes it out on Riley.
1. Chapter 1

Intelligence

A/N: just tell me whatcha think.

Why would she do this? How could she do this to me? I can't believe she would do this to me, to the woman I love. I hate Riley; it should've been her to die instead of Amelia.

These are the thoughts that have gone through my head since the explosion; it's all I can think of. I've yelled at her and she just takes it, it doesn't help, I thought it would. Since it doesn't I just leave, go home, and break out the booze. Maybe I'll just drink myself to death.

It's been three weeks since the explosion and I still can't look at Riley without feeling anger and hatred rise up within me. I can't help it, but now I also feel guilt at the way I've been treating her. I don't change it though because I still hate her.

Even though just the thought of her bugs me, somehow I still notice things about her. I've noticed how she's gotten a haircut and she must be wearing different boots because she's now comes up at least another inch. I've also noticed that even though it's gotten so hot that most people are wearing short sleeves, she still wears long sleeves, now normally I would be worried about her, but the hatred stops me from asking, plus even after the way I've been acting she probably wouldn't even answer me.

We haven't talked any about non-work related stuff since the explosion, and we barely talk about work anymore, unless it's absolutely necessary. Even though I miss her, I still can't forgive her for what she's done to me.

Sometimes a voice in the back of my head tells me that this is wrong, she was just doing her job. That's been the voice in my head I have been ignoring for weeks now.

It's been two months since Amelia's death; I've finally been able to accept it. I've gone to her grave and talked to her a lot, about all my guilt and shame about how I've been acting. I don't hate Riley anymore, I've accepted that she was just doing her job, even if it wasn't; she's too good of a person to have let me die.

She's not the same self-assured person that I knew; she's more withdrawn and quiet. After my last visit to Amelia's grave I decided I will talk to her about it, apologize to her for the way I've acted. I walk into work, and head straight towards Lillian. "Hey where's Riley at, I need to talk to her now."

"What, you want to punish her some more? She was just following orders, and you've been giving her hell these last few months, it was my call not hers! She's not here anyways, handed her resignation in this morning." And then she turns back to her paperwork.

"Well I really need to talk to her, so can I take the rest of the day off, I feel like this will be a conversation that takes a while." I plead with her, I guess she can see the desperation in my eyes, because she says yes to leaving.

On the way there I break every traffic law, which I'm not too concerned about with the chip and all. I pull up to her apartment, and run up every stair and hallway till I'm standing directly in front of her door.

I start to second guess myself; she won't want to speak to me. I've been terrible to her, I mean she even quit. Oh well right now is not the time to worry about that, I can feel it something is wrong.

I knock once but no one answers, then I do it again. After five minutes of knocking I start to talk through the door, "Riley I know you're in there, I saw your car out front. I need to talk to you okay? I'm sorry for what I've put you through these last few months, I really am. Please open the door so we can talk."

After another five minutes I speak again, "Riley if you don't open the door in the next minute, I'm coming in."

I wait the minute I promised then bring out my key, which I was hoping I wouldn't have to use.

Okay I'm going in. I walk through her door and what is on the other side surprises me. Her whole place is a mess, and normally she's the most organized person, next to Jameson. I continue through her house until I'm at the bedroom door, it's ajar and the other side is pitch black. I walk in anyways; I see her outline in her bed so I walk closer. She's wearing just a t-shirt, so I can see everything, all the scars on her arms. Some look years old but some could have come from earlier today, I did this. I made her do this to herself. How did I not know this, but the thing is I did know, I was just so mad I didn't care.l

I start to shake her, slowly but surely she comes to and when she notices it's me she withdraws herself and tries to cover her arms. It's no use though, I already know, and she knows that I know from the look in my eyes of pure anguish and guilt.

"Gabriel what are you doing here? I don't work for Cybercom anymore." She then tries to roll over but I reach and grab her arm where there are no cuts.

"Riley, I am so unbelievably sorry for what I did to you, for pushing you this far. I wish I could take it all back, I had no right you were just doing your job. These last few months I've been nothing but terrible to you, I'm sorry. Please look at me." I then grab both of her hands and force her to look at me. There are tears rushing down her face, I imagine I look just the same.

"Why are you here Gabriel? After all this time, after I've quit huh?"

"Riley I need to apologize to you. I knew something was wrong but I was so mad I didn't care about anything. I'm so sorry Riley, I will do anything to make it up to you, but I need you to stop this. Please don't cut anymore, if I have to I will sit by your bedside until you are okay, whether it be a few days or a few years."

She continues to cry, and so do I. I can't help it, it breaks my heart to see my Riley, the strongest person I know, so weak. It shouldn't be like this. I need her to be okay, I realize now that I can't lose another person.

I vow right now in this moment to never leave her and to make her okay again.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

A/N: In this chapter it'll kind've explain why Riley reacted so severely to the way he treated her. This chapter will be a flashback over the last two months, but the ones in _italics _will be flashbacks over these current ones.

One Week after the explosion

We are currently in a small town in North Louisiana, the gangs had taken over the town. That wasn't our concern though, it was the connection of the gang leader to a terrorist group in the middle east. Since it's an all hands on deck kind of case both Nelson and Jameson are on sight with us.

We have been going over possible ways to bring in the gang leader, Nahel Kehj. Riley had an idea about it, actually a rather good one, but I'd never admit that to her or anyone else.

"You know Riley, why don't you just be quite, sit over there and do your job," he then puts his hands up like quotes, "and protect the asset."

"Um..okay. Sorry, I just thought-"

I cut her off, "well you obviously shouldn't think should you."

The rest of the time we were discussing stuff, she didn't say another word, it looked as if she had gone off into another time.

RILEY'S POV

_"Riley you're nothing but a no good, cowardly, trouble making, stupid child. How about you leave the grown-ups to talk?" my mom's boyfriend, Rick, asked as he held onto my mom by her hair._

_ "Riley, just go with your brother in the other room we're good here." Mom says, she's obviously been crying._

_ "No, I'm not leaving you alone with this bastard, and let him beat up on you anymore." I'm thrown onto the floor by the power of his fist as it collides with my face._

_ "Next time, don't bother me. Or it can be a lot worse for you, you got it?" he's leaning over me, with his other fist still tangled in my mom's hair._

_ "Riley, just go. Take care of your brother for a while." Then for some reason I actually listen. He's right. I'm so stupid, how could I not protect my mom._

I come back to reality and remember how the abuse just kept happening, how I wasn't strong enough to take care of her, and now how I don't think I'm not strong enough to put up with Gabriel just being flat out mean to me for much longer. I was such a coward then, scratch that, I still am.

I remember how I dealt with all the pain last time, I turned it physical. At the thought it makes the scars that are on my arms start to sting, which I know isn't actually possible, it's just in my head. I rub at them through my clothes anyway.

I don't know why this bothers me so much, I haven't even known him that long. I just feel a strong connection to him somehow.

The next week

Nelson walks into the room, "hey guys how about we get a beer, to celebrate another win for the good guys?"

All the guys, even Doc agree to go. Nelson turns to me next, "what about you Riley, you in?"

I'm about to agree when I look at Gabriel and he's giving me a look that'd have killed me in an instant, if looks could kill that is.

"Um, no I actually have a lot to do tonight. Sorry guys, drink one for me though."

_ "Hey sweetheart, you want to go to dinner with us tonight? It'll be fine." Mom turns to me and asks from the living room._

_ "No babe, I don't want your kids in the way tonight. It's going to be just the two of us."_

_ "No Rick, I haven't seen my kids hardly any this week. I want to spend time with them. Come on Riley what do you say?" Rick then turns to me and glares at me with such hatred, it paralyzes me with fear._

_ "No, I think Michael was asking earlier if we could make a homemade pizza tonight. I kind of promised him."_

I make it home by seven, which is really early for us. Normally I would go to Gabriel's and we'd get a beer and watch a movie, but since everything I haven't been over unless I absolutely have to.

Maybe after a while he'll understand that I couldn't just let him die, with or without the chip he means too much to me.

He calls in the middle of the night, drunk as can be.

"Riley how could you do this to me? How could you take the woman I love from me. It should've been you to die, no one would care. After all you're only there to make sure I don't die. They can get someone else to do that. Or why couldn't you let me die with her, she was alone and scared! I hate you Riley Neal."

He then just hangs up without giving me a chance to answer him, to explain myself to him.

_It's been a week since I shot Rick, dead on my front porch. I don't regret it, I just wish my mom wouldn't hate me. She won't talk to me._

_ Late at night I'm in my room sleeping, when my mom barges into the room. She's obviously drunk by the way she slurs and staggers. I can still understand her through the slur though._

_ "How could you kill him. I loved him, he took care of us. He helped pay for everything, everything you own included. And you just shot him, how could you?" by this time she's crying so hard I can't understand anything anymore. She proceeds to pick up a picture frame and throw it at my wall, and storms out._

_ When she' gone I get up to pick up the pieces, with tears in my eyes. One of the pieces cut into my wrist, it's like the best feeling in the world. I can finally breathe, the pain has lessened in my heart. So I do it again, and again. I sink to the floor and cut until I can't take anymore and pass out._


End file.
